We got new toilets, America! That's right, we can now process our food and drink with the confidence that only a Kohler commode can bestow. Unfortunately, this leaves me with a vexing duo of conundrums, namely "used toilets".
Now being the thrifty shopper that I am, I was sure there was some charity out there that would swoon, faint, and soil themselves (which wouldn't be a problem if they had my toilets) to get their hands on my gently used poopers. Yet suprisingly, each establishment balked at my offered treasures. Here are a few snooty, non-profit responses I received for my offered treasures (Company names have been modified to protect the stupid and ungrateful):
The Stupidvation Army: "No, we don't take those!" (Followed by the slurping of Diet Coke and the sound of a Twinkie wrapper being torn asunder)
Fartwill: "No, we don't take toilets. Phfffft." (The last sentence was actually a fart, hence the name "Fartwill".)
Me: "Well do you know of another charity that might take them?"
Fart Lady: "No. Phffftdgk! Not really."
Dumbitat for Dumbanity: "No we don't take used toilets. We only take toilets plated in gold, so the less fortunate can sell them for crackphetamines."
But here's the kicker!
Local Dump: "Uhhh. Are you county or city? Um, they had free drop offs last weekend. Duh, you were allowed to to put five large items out for pick-up last month for no charge."
Me: "Thanks for the history lesson, but is there anything I could do now, since my time machine is broken?"
Dump Lady: Uhhh, we could schedule a pick up for $35, or you could bring it in and pay $10.90 if it's under 400 lbs."
Me: (oddly sarcastic) "Hmmmm, I wonder if two toilets weigh more than 400 lbs."
So now I get to take these high quality turd swallowers to the dump, and instead of getting a kudos for my charitable donation, I get to pay $10.90...unless the toilets total over 200lbs a piece. Maybe I'll fill them with cement just to get my money's worth.
The FBI added another suspect to its most wanted list earlier today, alerting the public that he was armed, possibly dangerous, probably unstable, and definitely lactose intolerant. The man (pictured at right), known as Sheik Shaggy Von Brady, is currently being sought for questioning, and probably elimination, by US agencies, Interpol, the KGB, the NRA, PBS, and Oprah.